Morning

I figured that if I didn't post for a long time, I'd maybe have more to say when I finally did. I don't think that's true at all. The only thing I have learned is that life is just one huge disappointment after another. I've watched everything around me come crashing down. I just wish I went with it. I don't mean to bitch and moan, because I know that I am fortunate, but I just don't even see a reason to wake up in the morning anymore. What do I have to look forward to?

Awful

So yesterday was fucking terrible. I haven't been as sad and confused as I was yesterday ever in my life. I don't even know how to explain what I felt yesterday, so I'm not even going to try. I didn't even go to band practice, which I was actually looking forward to, because I didn't feel that I needed to be around anyone yesterday. This really fucking sucks.

My phone won't let me scroll down anymore, so that's awesome. I'm about to go to the T-Mobile store today and figure out what I'm doing about that, I guess.

One good thing was it snowed for a few this morning and I actually got to enjoy it for a little bit, which was awesome. That's about it.

Time

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how we've changed. I don't know what it is that made you fall so far away from what you, what we were. There are not words to describe what I've been feeling these past few weeks. Everything I see reminds me of it. I can't stop thinking about it, no matter how many distractions I find. Those old pictures are the worst. I see your smile and it makes my eyes water up every single time. Why can't time machines be real? I'd change so much to make everything so much better right now. You said time doesn't change people. You were right about that. Pain is what changes people. I've changed a lot.

Tunnel Pt. 2

I feel even more alone than before. The tunnel that I am going through seems more and more desolate by the minute. My only comfort is that the light at the end is getting more radiant. Although, everyday things push me farther away from reaching that light. I keep trying to find some sort of side route, another escape, but the only way out is forward. So I have to keep trudging forward. While it hurts the most, being alone is also my only comfort in this place. At least I can see that there is nothing else in here that finds me a trespasser on it's territory.

Tunnel

Well, I found out the way to get rid of those feelings. The truth. I should have figured it all out sooner, but didn't until tonight. The feelings have disappeared and now there is really nothing there. It still hurts like hell, but at least I can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Part of me feels relief to such an extent that it's unbelievable. The other half just feels such an unbearable lonely feeling that I don't know what do with myself. I know I should not be dwelling over this, especially knowing the truth of it all, but I am. I hope this tunnel isn't a very long one, because I'm scared of the dark.

Another Day Wasted

Another blog entry that is a day late. I gotta get on the ball with these!

Anyways...Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I got up and sat around basically all day. I eventually went out with my family. We went out to eat at Flaming Amy's and it was awesome as usual. Then, my uncle and I got dropped off at Books a Million while my aunt and Mom went to Walmart. I basically just sat around with Garrett for a little bit and talked about random stuff. He left and I walked around looking at random books.

After my Mom came back for us, we went to Fanboy Comics. I picked up three different ones. I had the first one of the Star Wars Clone Wars comics and wanted the second one. Then I got a 30 Days of Night one and some weird horror comic. I haven't read them yet because I'm too tied up in Death Note. Also I need to finish that last Twilight book so I can return it to Mrs. Mandich.

Anyways, that about sums up yesterday for me.

Cease

This entry is a summary of what I did yesterday, to make up for not posting one. (I didn't intend to use this as a sort of journal among other things, but I kind of like posting this type of stuff on here.)

Yesterday was Friday, so I had school as usual. AFM was boring as usual, Psychology was interesting as usual and now Physical Science is going to be fun because Alex is in there with me. Only bad thing that happened was getting that nostalgic feeling even worse than normal... Anyway, I will hopefully be able to pass all these classes and graduate. Either way, my grades last semester are sufficient for me to be eligible to get my license once report cards come out this coming Monday. I won't be able to get them until Wednesday probably because I have to wait on my Dad to send me the proof of insurance for the van. Next weekend I am going to High Point and trading in the van for a car, hopefully.

Cam texted me and asked if I needed a ride and I did, so he came and got me once I got out of class and we went to Gamestop for a little bit so he could return some game he checked out. Then we went to the pizza place beside there and got some food. They had really awesome buffalo wings, which I tore through really fast. Then we did a little more stuff and I got dropped back at home.

The show last night wasn't terrible, but us and Conquer Me had next to no crowd reaction for a change. We both had been getting a pretty good response these past few shows, but for some reason everyone just decided they didn't want to get into either of us. Patriot was good, but I wasn't that excited to watch anyone after our set being such a bummer. The Mongoloids were good as usual, I just was really tired feeling and wasn't in the best of moods. I didn't even watch Agnostic Front, because I didn't want to set through all their new shit with a whole bunch of drunks everywhere just to see a few of their old songs.

That's about it. At least that I'm going to share anyways.

Nostalgia

These feelings of nostalgia will not go away. I don't know what to do or how to get them to go away and hopefully to never come back. I can't get over these feelings and it feels like they are eating away at my stomach every single day. I have tried so many different approaches to try to rid myself of this problem, but nothing even puts a dent in it. It seems like the harder I try, the harder they fight back. I have found that I can at least distract myself and not think about it, but eventually I am by myself again and it comes back just as bad, if not worse than before. Maybe it's worse then, because it had been waiting to come out, just floating and gaining strength on the verge of my consciousness. I guess all I can do is wait on it to pass or find a way to reverse it, so to speak.

Bleak

Today has been pretty decent so far.

I got up a little later than I wanted and didn't have time to shower, and even then I still got to school about five minutes late. I had done my homework, but my teacher would not check mine because I got their late, which blows, but whatever, it's only one grade. The class was pretty dull today, because we just took notes all block again.

Then I went to Psychology class. It was pretty interesting again, but we just took a lot of notes and listened to her talk a lot.

Physical Science was boring as hell, but we did another lab today, which was alright I guess, I'm just always really tired when I get to that class. Alex apparently is getting switched into there so it will be a lot less dull now hopefully.

I got a ride with Tim and we went to Flaming Amy's, then I got dropped back off. Now I'm watching the Death Note live action movie. It's actually not bad, but some of the effects are kinda lame and some of the acting isn't too good. This actually just makes me really wanna read some more of the manga to find out what all happens. After I finish watching the movie, I'm going to clean up my closet and desk then do my AFM homework.

I might post something else later that isn't just what I'm up to, like something I wrote or something.

Drought

I think I'm going to start posting more often on here.

Today was my second day of the new semester. Nothings changed, but I REALLY liked psychology class today. The first thing we did was "hand-writing analysis". She had everyone print and sign their name on a sheet of paper and then looked at the writing on the paper and said something that we thought she knew from it. Mine was that I had some sort of entrepreneur like qualities. She was somewhat right. Afterward, she told us that she just guessed it from what we were wearing and also from what she could tell of how we acted. It was pretty interesting though.

AFM was super dull and boring, just like all math classes always are. Same goes for Physical Science, because my teacher literally talks the whole hour and a half non-stop.

Parts of this were wrote a little bit late, because my internet went out yesterday. I will write another one today with what went on today (after I watch the Death Note live-action movie).

Carpe

Well, most of my worries are gone. I passed all my classes this past semester and am still right on track to graduate in June with my class. I was very surprised to have passed Algebra 2, but I did (probably with a little help from my neighbor's paper on the exam...). Anyways, the new semester started today. I have a flex class, which means I have to get up at 6:30 and be at school at 7. I have Advanced Functions and Modeling for that period. Then I have Psychology/Sociology for first block. My second is Physical Science. So far AFM seems to be a pretty basic class, but we are really just reviewing stuff from Algebra 2 right now (and for the first two weeks apparently). Psychology seems like it's going to be really interesting. My teacher seems really weird, but really laid back. Physical Science is looking really boring so far, because the teacher literally talked for a straight hour and a half without stopping...

As long as no other stuff happens with getting my license, I should be able to get it next week when report cards come out. I have decided to sell my van because I don't really want to drive a huge ass van around all year due to being in a band that MAYBE tours once a year. I just can't really afford that. I am looking around online and in ads for a car, maybe a 1996-1997 Honda Civic or something like that.

On another note, I saw the Hundredth for the first time the other night at Lucky's with Endwell, The Miles Between and Kills and Thrills. The Hundredth literally blew me away. Tyler and people had been talking about them a decent amount lately, but I wasn't convinced just by that. But after seeing them live I should have never doubted it. They were one of the best live bands I've seen in a long time. They are also EASILY the best band to EVER come from Myrtle Beach or South Carolina probably in general. The other bands that played aren't really worth mentioning at all.

Changes

A lot has changed since my last post on here.

I am no longer the nephew of five aunts and uncles, but now only four. My uncle Gary passed away last Saturday to some type of stomach cancer (which he probably got from being in Vietnam when Agent Orange was used). I had been to a benefit show in Myrtle Beach for him the Sunday before that and it didn't seem so bad. But as had figured, I don't think I was told everything, because he got severely worse on Saturday and then died a few hours after we found out he was getting worse. This past Tuesday was his memorial service (there wasn't a funeral because he wanted to be cremated). It was a good occasion and I think it honored him pretty well. I know my family will miss him for some time to come. I guess now it's up to me to fly the musician flag in this family. R.I.P. Gary.

I am also no longer a boyfriend. There aren't a whole lot of details I want to post about that. Things got shaky and came to an end pretty much sums it up. Things have been looking up the past few days though.

As far as books go...I'm on the final book of the Twilight saga. Those books are NOT over rated. They are really awesome.

That's about it. It's been cold as fuck in Wilmington the past few days and it's terrible. This week I have finals and then I get my license the week after if everything goes well.